Do you think the pain of infertility will ever go away? Does finally having a baby make the sting any less? As much as I want the pain to go away, I am not sure I want the memory to go away. Does that even make sense or has this process really messed me up?!?
This pain is awful. It’s a weight that no matter how hard I try to get rid of, won’t go away. I go through spurts where I am able to grab my life back from the clenches of infertility and live as if being childless would / could be OK for me. Its fake, but it seems to work for short periods of time. Then something happens and I am right back to letting this awful circumstance rule my life again. Right now I am somewhere in between.
My first IVF ended May 11 with the result none of us want; not that it was unexpected, I mean for most the first round is nothing more than diagnostic – but even knowing that I still hoped that I would be one of the lucky ones. I cried the night I took my first HPT, even knowing it was too early; I still knew it was right. Sometimes I feel I know my body too well, and just waste HPTs confirming what I feel. I cried in the bathroom. I cried on the couch. I cried in the shower, and as I did, I apologized over and over to my embryos for not being able to bring them to life. I cried in bed. DH held me and said it would be OK. He reminded me “we have 2 beautiful embryos sitting in a freezer in
Syracuse” (he probably could have used better wording, because somehow that makes them seem like inanimate objects, and not potential life). But it was good. I think for the first time he may have actually gotten how painful this all is for me. I have not cried since then – and as much as I think the bottle of Lambrusco helped the night of my beta, I think it was really his attempt to try and express his understanding that truly helped me to accept it and move forward. I am however still sad that my 2 “excellent” embryos failed to implant – and for that I am somewhat relieved – but I don’t really know why. A big part of me does not want to forget this pain and I almost feel guilty for the sense of excitement (however cautious it may be) I have for our upcoming FET.
I ask the question above because I think that some people forget. I think my mom is one of them. She and my dad struggled for 7 years to have a child. I eventually arrived in their lives through adoption. It has not been until recently that I came to question whether or not the presence of a child in their life together somehow erased the pain they had once felt. I sense this whenever they try console me over our infertility. Although I know they mean well, the comments they make to me are as senseless as if they were coming from the mouth of a fertile. I get the “it takes time”, “relax”, “it’ll happen” from them every time. Did people not say this to them? Have they forgotten the sting of these comments? Have they forgotten what it feels like to look down the road of childless (not by choice) living?
If you have overcome infertility…do you really remember what it is like? Be honest, I am asking not to provoke anyone, but am truly curious. Does the joy of you little one really make the pain go away? Because, I am not sure I really want it to. This pain has made me in part who I am. I want to remember the struggle – the pain. I think. Tell me if I am wrong. I really want to know.
