Do you think the pain of infertility will ever go away? Does finally having a baby make the sting any less? As much as I want the pain to go away, I am not sure I want the memory to go away. Does that even make sense or has this process really messed me up?!?
This pain is awful. It’s a weight that no matter how hard I try to get rid of, won’t go away. I go through spurts where I am able to grab my life back from the clenches of infertility and live as if being childless would / could be OK for me. Its fake, but it seems to work for short periods of time. Then something happens and I am right back to letting this awful circumstance rule my life again. Right now I am somewhere in between.
My first IVF ended May 11 with the result none of us want; not that it was unexpected, I mean for most the first round is nothing more than diagnostic – but even knowing that I still hoped that I would be one of the lucky ones. I cried the night I took my first HPT, even knowing it was too early; I still knew it was right. Sometimes I feel I know my body too well, and just waste HPTs confirming what I feel. I cried in the bathroom. I cried on the couch. I cried in the shower, and as I did, I apologized over and over to my embryos for not being able to bring them to life. I cried in bed. DH held me and said it would be OK. He reminded me “we have 2 beautiful embryos sitting in a freezer in
Syracuse” (he probably could have used better wording, because somehow that makes them seem like inanimate objects, and not potential life). But it was good. I think for the first time he may have actually gotten how painful this all is for me. I have not cried since then – and as much as I think the bottle of Lambrusco helped the night of my beta, I think it was really his attempt to try and express his understanding that truly helped me to accept it and move forward. I am however still sad that my 2 “excellent” embryos failed to implant – and for that I am somewhat relieved – but I don’t really know why. A big part of me does not want to forget this pain and I almost feel guilty for the sense of excitement (however cautious it may be) I have for our upcoming FET.
I ask the question above because I think that some people forget. I think my mom is one of them. She and my dad struggled for 7 years to have a child. I eventually arrived in their lives through adoption. It has not been until recently that I came to question whether or not the presence of a child in their life together somehow erased the pain they had once felt. I sense this whenever they try console me over our infertility. Although I know they mean well, the comments they make to me are as senseless as if they were coming from the mouth of a fertile. I get the “it takes time”, “relax”, “it’ll happen” from them every time. Did people not say this to them? Have they forgotten the sting of these comments? Have they forgotten what it feels like to look down the road of childless (not by choice) living?
If you have overcome infertility…do you really remember what it is like? Be honest, I am asking not to provoke anyone, but am truly curious. Does the joy of you little one really make the pain go away? Because, I am not sure I really want it to. This pain has made me in part who I am. I want to remember the struggle – the pain. I think. Tell me if I am wrong. I really want to know.
Jennifer said
Well I can say that finally being pregnant has not made the pain go away, in face it seems to have made it more raw. But maybe for me it’s the circustances and having to do endure the “I knew it would happen when you relaxed/stopped thinking about it” comments.
Gravida Zero said
It’s hard enough having my perfectly fertile parents make remarks like that, I can’t imagine how much more they would sting if they had once been in my shoes. I hope that both of us get off this boat, and when we do I hope that we can take all of what we have learned with us.
thalia said
I can’t really say, yet, since I don’t know if this pregnancy will continue or not. It does feel good, but no, it doesn’t take the pain away. But please don’t despair, my first IVF failed, too. You won’t ever know why, but IVF is a course of treatment, not a one-off. I’m hoping for you that the next one is it.
Bea said
You should read the May 31 post on “Uncommon Misconception”.
http://uncommonmisconception.typepad.com/home/2006/05/calcification.html
Bea
carol said
I have to say that I’m suffering from secondary infertility. I had no problem getting pregnant with my son. For a multitude of reasons it wasn’t until now that my dh and I are seriously seeking infertility treatment. (Haven’t used contraceptives for 10 years) My DS will be 13 in a few weeks. Wonderful kid, couldn’t ask for better, but there is still a hole in my heart, because an only is not what I dreamed of for my family. And the comment I get is “you should be content with what you have”. And if I had not had any child, I would probably be saying “at least you were able to have one” to someone like me. The pain is still there, the emptiness. I just pray that this doesn’t make my son feel like he’s not “good enough”, because he is truly the most wonderful blessing in our lives. It’s bittersweet seeing him grow up, knowing I’ve only had one shot to get the parenting thing right.
I was the only “normal” child my parents had. They had 2 Down’s Syndrome boys. One died 2 weeks old. The other is still living with my dad who will be 80 in Sept. They went the adoption route after the second died. My adoptive brother is very distant – - knew mom was dying from cancer, but never bothered to call for updates, called 3 years after she died – - we couldn’t locate him at the time at all, no phone, no forwarding address. Mom suffered multiple miscarriages as well. The thing I wish she would have told me (all the above I learned from dad), was to not wait to have kids. Have them asap. I was so career-oriented thinking I had all the time in the world . . . I’ve said that to say my parents never said anything except, “It’s too bad you haven’t had more, he’s such a gem.” Said in such a way as “it’s a shame or sad” as opposed to “how come”. At my age dad would not support me even trying, but I have to try, I’d regret it if I didn’t.
I hope this helps in some small way . . .God Bless
kate said
The pain does go away, but the scar of infertility always remains.
I remember how I felt when people would go on and on about their babies and I was left out. I remember the stupid comments my MIL and SIL would make to me and my husband. I remember all my friend’s and coworker’s baby showers that I still attended even though I would “lose it” in the car on the way home. I remember crying at night with my DH. I remember crying at Christmas and Mother’s Day. I remember the pain, but honestly, I can’t feel it anymore, because my prayers were answered by God. We were blessed with twins from IVF. I have no idea why our prayers were answered and others are not. Sometimes, it makes me feel guilty, even. But whether you have your own biological child through IVF or if you adopt (I have a friend that has adopted 2 children, and she has said this same thing), when you look into your child’s eyes and take care of them day after day, the pain goes away. You just won’t ever forget it. The scar will always be there. And now I am glad I have that infertility scar, because I can truly feel other people’s pain, too, whether it be infertility, cancer, divorce, miscarriages, what have you. It’s made me who I am and it’s made you who you are to. It’s a part of you and always will be.
I just said a prayer for you. Take care and continue to hope!! God bless!
Debbie said
Started crying when I read these. IN 2 months I turn 40, this is when I finally give up or at least try and get on with it. Over 10 yrs of trying, no reasonable explanation from the experts, just one of the unknowns. If you are blessed with a baby I hope that the pain will go away and you do forget because being infertile takes a lot out of you, not only with the processes and pain of trying but of putting up with your family and friends insensitive advice when they have no idea of what it is really like. Not one day goes by when a comment or watching someone else with their family doesn’t hurt in some way. Sure it builds and moulds you into the sort of person you are today, but there is always the what if and what sort of person would you have been as a parent? Good luck
Kathy said
Not sure i can help after 17 months of trying and 1 failed IVF. My devoted husband who has a child always says not to give up hope (easy to say to somebody). I have never been able to imagine myself pregnant, maybe its my body telling me something. I cried for a whole week after i found out. I secluded myself from everybody as i couldnt bear anymore “it will happen in time”, “when are you going to start a family”, “you should get rid of your dogs and have a real family”,”you are getting on in age don’t you think you should start a family”, or the best one “you can always adopt”. People have no idea what you go through, the pain and emotional trail of IVF, the injections the hormones only to be told it didnt work for some reason. I pray all the time but sometimes i think that perhaps they are too busy to help me as they are listening to people with bigger problems. I suppose at the end of the day i should just be grateful that i have the most supportive husband in the world. Even though he will always have his little boy calling him dad…..i wonder, will anybody ever call me mum????
amy fraser said
Me and my family are doing better we are getting through it all together. But yeah my pain been going away im doing better now. It’s been 7 and 1/2 mounths now it’s been lonley without my mommy laghing and smiling and her awsome hugs and kisses. So yeah, plz pray for me and my brother thank you and god bless you all. You will get through it i promise.
your dearest friend amy