Perfectly Infertile

Waiting…that seems to be what we do most often in this process – just wait.  I don't like waiting, I don't like not doing anything.  I want need to be doing something just so I feel as if I am contributing something to this gd-awful process.   Why is it that I feel I must inflict pain upon myself to feel as if I am doing something to get pregnant?  

So obviously, I am waiting right now.  Waiting to start.  I a little bit over halfway through this cycle, with a sense of hope that I have not had in quite a while.  You see, after the HSG my RE put a small glimmer of hope in my mind by telling me that we should definatlely try "naturally" (as if there is anything "natural" about IF) this cycle.  It didn't work last time, so why would it this time?   Why do I let myself get my hopes up for something I know won't work?  By this time next week my hopes should be getting trampled on as AF makes her way to laugh in my face – bitch.  So while I hope, I also wait to start.  Sort of a weird place to be.  I guess I have been through these cycles so many times, that even in the midst of hope I am already planning for the next cycle. 

I am cautiously excited to get started on the FET cycle.  I picked up my Estogen and Doxycyclene on Friday; sort of anti-climactic after all the meds and needles needed for the fresch cycle – but I'll take sticking a few pills up my hoo-ha anyday over those damned needles!  I have the PIO and assorted daggers  needles left from my fresh cycle (ended up not doing PIO for that one).   I'll be starting the estrogen on CD 2 of my next cycle (approx June 8th).  Since this is my first FET I have no idea what happens after that, except for starting PIO 4 days prior to transfer.  Not looking forward to sticking an 1.5" needle in my ass.  Mr. PI is looking forward to it though…he does this evil laugh, hand rub thing every time I bring it up.  I'm. V. Scared.

——————————————————————-

So another holiday with out a baby or a pg  belly has come and gone.  The same thoughts as last year passed through my mind as s they do on EVERY holiday…maybe next <insert holiday here> I'll have my little baby!  Every.Single.Holiday.Every.Single.Year.

We had a great weekend though.  Until Monday, the thought never really entered my mind.  We were invited to a picinic at our friends house that day which I had really been looking forward to.  The wife is pg, and they have a 7 yr old daughter.  Neither of which bothered me in the slightest way (which is rare these days).    All was good until another one of their friends showed up with his son who was the cutest 1.5 y/o I think I have ever seen…literally!  What an adorable little boy…even at 1.5 years, he was 100% boy.  Dirty from head to toe by the time they left.  Still all was good…then his wife arrived.  Here it comes folks…the triple whammy….with their 2 week old daughter.  Suddenly the fact that I still was without child crashed into the pit of my stomach.  I didn't have feelings of bitterness, but I did have a deep sense of sadness and frustaration overtake me like a tidal wave.  I did well though.  Noone knew of the pain I was feeling.  As I am so accustomed to, I cried inside myself, keeping a smile on my face the entire time.   Sucks.  Maybe next year.