Perfectly Infertile

Aunt Flo!!!!  Yippee!!!  This was a long cycle for me….30 days.  Normally AF is here in full force by day 27, usually sooner.  I am glad she arrived though so we can get moving with the FET.

As instructed I called the office upon realizing it was here.  I left a message and will now wait for the return phone call.  I do have all the paperwork, which indicates I am to start the estadiol tomorrow – 1 2mg tablet 3 times a day – vaginally.  Now I have a few questions about that…first of all…..EWWW  GROSS!!  I have to stick that little pill up my hoo-ha during AF  EWWWW!!!!  So my question to you is…can I still use a tampon or do I have to use a pad (which I cannot stand using)?  I almost think you would have to use a tampon to keep the little sucker up there?  Wouldn't the force of AF cause it to come out if I don't?  I am just grossed out by the idea of sticking my finger up there during AF….GROSS!!!  Maybe I can figure out a way to balance it on the applicator an shove it up there with the tampon.  This will be….um…..interestin….as well as GROSS!!!  Have I mentioned how GROSS this is going to be????

So anyway, Cars opened yestreday and I cannot wait to go see it.  M and I will probably head down to the drive-in movie theater to see it tonight.  Unless we are feeling lazy tonight, then we'll just go to one of the local theaters.  The drive-in is about 2 hours away, which is fine for the drive down, but then we end up beginning the drive back around midnight…ugh.  Fortunately M. does all the driving!   

 Oh and without really knowing my full schedule, it is looking like my tx could end up on my birthday!!!!

***warning*** This not going to be a happy, optimisitic, "I'm starting my cycle soon" post.  I am pissed off by all the child abuse and death I am seeing these days, and my thoughts are written below.  If you are looking for cheer and optimism, this is not the post.   

Not sure what is going on these days but I feel like my infertility is being rubbed in my face from every direction.  As I was driving home on Wednesday I was listening to my favorite afternoon radio show and they were talking about deaths to children under 2 in NJ at the hands of an abusive parent.  Now these stories always get my blood boiling – but one in particular really got me – because it happened in the very town I live in.  Not that my town is by any way "better" than anyother place, but the fact that happened here, made me literally sick to my stomach.  And to top it off, the baby was 5 1/2 weeks old.  The father threw the baby to the floor because it would not stop crying.  A defensless 5 week old baby who cries due to instinct more than anything else – killed because he was doing what infants do.  Sick.  Then they continue with a story of a man who put a toddler in the dryer because she spilled juice on her shirt and the father wanted to dry her off.  Dumbassmotherfucker is not a harsh enough word for him.  The baby lived but will have scars from the 2nd degree burns to remind her of the ordeal for the rest of her life. 

I then met DH at a restaurant for dinner which lasted about an hour. I was in pretty gd-awful mood at this point and poor DH could do or say nothing right.  Probably not the most pleasant dinner for him (sorry babe…I'll do better next time).  DH made me laugh though during dinner so by the time we were done, my mood was a bit better and I got back into the car to head home.  In the hour we were eating there were reports called in of 4 more deaths to infants in the past 24 hours!!!!!  WTF????? 

Then finally last night on the news was a story of an infant in NYC fighting for life after being subject to burns and beatings at the hands of his parents.  As of last night the parents were "being investigated".  F-that….arrest them on the spot and throw them in jail.  The baby is covered in burns and bruises…what's left to investigate?  Even if the parents themselves did not do it (which I highly doubt) they had to be aware of the bruises and burns and still allowed the baby to be in the environment where it occurred, which in my opinon is just as bad as actually abusing the child themselves.

As if the pain of IF is not enough, it has to be amplified with stories like this.  How many of us would give everything we have just to hold a baby in our arms and call the child ours?  And these scum are the ones to be "blessed" with children?  Yeah, gd is good….my ass.

Waiting…that seems to be what we do most often in this process – just wait.  I don't like waiting, I don't like not doing anything.  I want need to be doing something just so I feel as if I am contributing something to this gd-awful process.   Why is it that I feel I must inflict pain upon myself to feel as if I am doing something to get pregnant?  

So obviously, I am waiting right now.  Waiting to start.  I a little bit over halfway through this cycle, with a sense of hope that I have not had in quite a while.  You see, after the HSG my RE put a small glimmer of hope in my mind by telling me that we should definatlely try "naturally" (as if there is anything "natural" about IF) this cycle.  It didn't work last time, so why would it this time?   Why do I let myself get my hopes up for something I know won't work?  By this time next week my hopes should be getting trampled on as AF makes her way to laugh in my face – bitch.  So while I hope, I also wait to start.  Sort of a weird place to be.  I guess I have been through these cycles so many times, that even in the midst of hope I am already planning for the next cycle. 

I am cautiously excited to get started on the FET cycle.  I picked up my Estogen and Doxycyclene on Friday; sort of anti-climactic after all the meds and needles needed for the fresch cycle – but I'll take sticking a few pills up my hoo-ha anyday over those damned needles!  I have the PIO and assorted daggers  needles left from my fresh cycle (ended up not doing PIO for that one).   I'll be starting the estrogen on CD 2 of my next cycle (approx June 8th).  Since this is my first FET I have no idea what happens after that, except for starting PIO 4 days prior to transfer.  Not looking forward to sticking an 1.5" needle in my ass.  Mr. PI is looking forward to it though…he does this evil laugh, hand rub thing every time I bring it up.  I'm. V. Scared.

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So another holiday with out a baby or a pg  belly has come and gone.  The same thoughts as last year passed through my mind as s they do on EVERY holiday…maybe next <insert holiday here> I'll have my little baby!  Every.Single.Holiday.Every.Single.Year.

We had a great weekend though.  Until Monday, the thought never really entered my mind.  We were invited to a picinic at our friends house that day which I had really been looking forward to.  The wife is pg, and they have a 7 yr old daughter.  Neither of which bothered me in the slightest way (which is rare these days).    All was good until another one of their friends showed up with his son who was the cutest 1.5 y/o I think I have ever seen…literally!  What an adorable little boy…even at 1.5 years, he was 100% boy.  Dirty from head to toe by the time they left.  Still all was good…then his wife arrived.  Here it comes folks…the triple whammy….with their 2 week old daughter.  Suddenly the fact that I still was without child crashed into the pit of my stomach.  I didn't have feelings of bitterness, but I did have a deep sense of sadness and frustaration overtake me like a tidal wave.  I did well though.  Noone knew of the pain I was feeling.  As I am so accustomed to, I cried inside myself, keeping a smile on my face the entire time.   Sucks.  Maybe next year.

goes the "Bennie bell"!! 

Now for you lesson in Jersey-shore-eese

This weekend…the official start of the summer season at the Jersey Shore!  And with the start of the weekend comes the influx of Bennies and Shoobies!  "Bennies" is the unaffectionate nickname of the northern Jersey folks who clog up the parkway making their day and weekend trips to the shore.  "Shoobies" refers to those to the west of the shore region…namely Philadelphia.

The origin of both nicknames remains somewhat of a mystery.  Bennies has been said to refer to those from the Bayonne – Elizabteh – Newark are who venture down the shore for weekends (and yes "down the shore" is correct…you don't go "to" the shore, or to the beach for that matter).  Another attempt to explain the origin is that people would often head down the shore for "beneficial rays" – hence the "bennies". 

Shoobies, goes back to a time when the rich still got dressed up to go out for a Sunday outing.  When the tourists came in they would be dressed to the nines.  Obviously walking on the beach in shoes is not a great idea, so they would carry their shoeboxes with them to put their shoes in while they frolicked on the beach (yes, here beach is OK, because once you are actully there it is what it is…a beach) .  So naturally, "shoebox carrying arrogant tourist" became "Shoobie". 

Either way, the arrival of bennies or shoobies ends weekends on the boardwalk for most locals.  The crowds have just gotten absolutely insane; and now parking is extremely limited as many of the parking lots have been sold and since developed into townhomes and condos.  I wonder now how the shore will change with all the develpment.  Where are the day-trippers going to park?  I'd hate to see Pt. Pleasant and Seaside turn into an Asbury Park (completely different reason, but I fear the end result may be the same).

But, their arrival means it is finallly SUMMER – and that is a good thing!  It just would not be the same with out the bennies and shoobies invading our territory.  Even though we decorate our cars with "Go-home bennies" bumber stickers, and welcome your Labor Day retreat with "Bye-bye Bennies" banners on our cars and bridges, we welcome what you represent…SUMMER!  When Labor Day arrives, we get our boardwalk back and sit and reminisce about the summer that has passed – with smiles on our faces because we know we get to do it all again next year!

I wish you all a safe and happy Memorial Day weekend.  Remember the live sacrificed for the lifestyle we are permitted in this fine country.  Whether you argree or disagree with our current leader, our military deserves our thanks and support. May all of you who are serving remain safe and come home soon. 

And bennies and shoobies….welcome to the shore!!  Now go home!! (sorry, had to do it, I am from jersey after all!)  Here is to another wonderful summer!

Do you think the pain of infertility will ever go away?  Does finally having a baby make the sting any less?  As much as I want the pain to go away, I am not sure I want the memory to go away.  Does that even make sense or has this process really messed me up?!? 

This pain is awful.  It’s a weight that no matter how hard I try to get rid of, won’t go away.  I go through spurts where I am able to grab my life back from the clenches of infertility and live as if being childless would / could be OK for me.  Its fake, but it seems to work for short periods of time.  Then something happens and I am right back to letting this awful circumstance rule my life again.  Right now I am somewhere in between.

My first IVF ended May 11 with the result none of us want; not that it was unexpected, I mean for most the first round is nothing more than diagnostic – but even knowing that I still hoped that I would be one of the lucky ones.  I cried the night I took my first HPT, even knowing it was too early; I still knew it was right.  Sometimes I feel I know my body too well, and just waste HPTs confirming what I feel.  I cried in the bathroom.  I cried on the couch. I cried in the shower, and as I did, I apologized over and over to my embryos for not being able to bring them to life.   I cried in bed.  DH held me and said it would be OK. He reminded me “we have 2 beautiful embryos sitting in a freezer in
Syracuse” (he probably could have used better wording, because somehow that makes them seem like inanimate objects, and not potential life).  But it was good.  I think for the first time he may have actually gotten how painful this all is for me.  I have not cried since then – and as much as I think the bottle of Lambrusco helped the night of my beta, I think it was really his attempt to try and express his understanding that truly helped me to accept it and move forward.  I am however still sad that my 2 “excellent” embryos failed to implant – and for that I am somewhat relieved – but I don’t really know why.   A big part of me does not want to forget this pain and I almost feel guilty for the sense of excitement (however cautious it may be) I have for our upcoming FET.

I ask the question above because I think that some people forget.  I think my mom is one of them.  She and my dad struggled for 7 years to have a child.  I eventually arrived in their lives through adoption.  It has not been until recently that I came to question whether or not the presence of a child in their life together somehow erased the pain they had once felt.  I sense this whenever they try console me over our infertility. Although I know they mean well, the comments they make to me are as senseless as if they were coming from the mouth of a fertile.  I get the “it takes time”, “relax”, “it’ll happen” from them every time.  Did people not say this to them?  Have they forgotten the sting of these comments?  Have they forgotten what it feels like to look down the road of childless (not by choice) living?

If you have overcome infertility…do you really remember what it is like?  Be honest, I am asking not to provoke anyone, but am truly curious.  Does the joy of you little one really make the pain go away?  Because, I am not sure I really want it to.  This pain has made me in part who I am.  I want to remember the struggle – the pain.  I think.  Tell me if I am wrong.  I really want to know.